i feel cheated.although…isn’t that a feeling that suggests someone elses hand has caused me to be here.that i am not the one responsible.
who else is responsible?! for me and my choices.and this fucking heap of fear that seems to rule me.
i wake, and realise i have almost wasted the best part of my twenties working in a shitty job, allowing myself to be treated in a shitty way.and still with no end in sight.i have done nothing to get myself to the otherside.
i have wallowed.and now i am going down in the sludge.
who really gives a shit how well you make their coffee,i don’t even care anymore…and i fucking love coffee! but it just doesn’t matter..really.
people treat us like we are worthless.like monkeys in a circus-anyone could do our jobs,skill doesn’t matter here-these people are morons who like to think they know about quality-but the money they flash does not make them connoisseurs.sometimes i can wonder about who the one really filled with insecurity and shit is-but does that matter either-the customers are not the ones standing here behind the counter having to brave the inglorious crap and patronisation.it is clear-we are worthless to them,so many don’t even bother to look us in the eye-they don’t even look at us at all sometimes.
dread seeps in. like it does. fills up every gap i have within. showing me my own emptiness. if i had done things ,those things that i think of in between procrastinating and falling…there would not be so much space for all this darkness. but then. when have i ever allowed myself to bask in the light?
i always cling on to at least a little bit of hurt to stop me drifting off. so that i cannot be taken by surprise by the next thing that will surely knock me for six. it is not even seven in the morning , yet already this day feels too long in anticipation.
i have allowed myself to fall into a pool of self pity.it is seductive and comforting in it’s familiarity. being lost in the dangerous in between where your soul is ripe for the taking. take it.take it and leave me here to drown in my own empty sorrow. i have nothing real to suffer yet i suffer anyway. my stomach churns with unease and hunger. i must pull away from this hypnotic gruel before i let myself be swallowed in its warm embrace.