Thursday, 16 June 2011

It's All Part Of The "Process"

All this week I've been waiting. Wallowing in self pity.
Certain that I was at the precipice(what a bloody cliche),....a moth has just landed on the desk as I write-in the dark..I hope it can't read, I hate people reading what I'm writing as I write it....fuck I hate thinking that people read my writing at makes me squirm with embarassment....but wait, moths aren't people (but's still there....twidling it's antennae...people or not)

Third breakdown of my life,....that's what I was thinking.
my insides all twisted up in anguish, in sorrow...and that fucking disgraceful self pity.
I suffered like a little bitch...before work, on my way to work (obviously)...on my way home, eating dinner,brushing my teeth.lying in bed. Christ, what is it exactly that makes me so horrific a human being...that I feel I must punish myself so brutally? I'm exhausted. I don't know who I'm ment to be.
the desperate booking of a psychotherapy session, early afternoon just gone. stopped me from thinking I was shattering just yet.. My only fear is that, I want to. it isn't that I enjoy torturing myself persay...(hhhuhhh hmmmm).it's just...well.I guess I think if someone has to do it- it may as well be me.
We discussed the fact, that I don't need to deal with the actual grief...of "losing" my dad...or the fact I nearly burst into tears everytime I see a kid with their dad embracing or all of that kind of shit...all that I never had and always wanted,...waited for- even now when I'm 28. apparently I don't just have to accept it and get over it. I have to "process" it...get it out of my messed up system....hell. there are so many things I need to "process" though. will it work? how do things that hurt and cannot be changed for the better...start to feel..better?

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