I haven't wriiten properly in quite some time...putting it off, if I'm honest.it's not like I don't have time- or maybe it is...I don't have the spare time it takes to write- writing which always results in, or stems from too much deep contemplation about, ummm...how crappy I am? to put it scientifically.
and that, that right there is the bit that takes time...
After hearing that my dad had a stroke, I switched off. I had to work so damned hard not to let myself pick it all to pieces, not to some how accept that this guilt quivering in my gut was fair.
Because, it's not. I imagine myself telling this to the mirror image of myself- aged probably no more than four or five (yeah, that's some loony talk right there...) but in all truth- it's this kid that is doing all the suffering.
wondering what she did to make everything go so wrong. she broke everything and should just darn well keep her self to herself. and so I have, I keep myself secretive, I adapt myself to what others want or need me to be, I have found that at 28 I have no idea which aspects of myself are actually myself- because it's this kid creating all this shit. I find glimpses of what I may be occasionally if I get (too) relaxed in conversation...and duly compose myself. fearful.
fearful that I am some great ruiner of the world.of other people. that I will let people in, and just when I think that they are around to stay...that is when it will happen, again. but, that's just the kid talking you understand.
I'm not a victim, I feel sometimes that when I talk- I sound as though I am. but then, I worry that everything, every word I ever write is misconstrued. that I am in fact extremely stupid, or just childish and what I think I mean, and what others think I mean are two very different things.maybe it's all just perspective,huh?
In two weeks and 6 days, I will have no job... I will have to become a real person once and for all, I have put it off for too long.
I won't have to convince anyone else that I believe in myself. I will have to actually learn how to.