Saturday, 8 December 2012

Little Girl, It's All Your Fault.

Perspective turns me into just a ridiculous whiner. I can't quite define what I would term myself. If I were another. Somehow I grew up thinking that if I could only fix every tiny flaw that existed in me, the world would some how be better. That I would be less to blame for every bad thing that happened-
I felt a crazy sense of responsibility. I wanted to go and save everyone.
I feel sorrow for this tiny girl who some how- from somewhere, got the idea in her head. She was the reason for all wrong. How did I learn to think like that?
Even now, when someone, anyone...tells me something terrible happened to someone that I've never even met or heard of- I feel guilt rise up on my face, And start planning my get away... "where was he mugged?" ...yeah, I'm pretty certain I wasn't there...but...
  I believe it's a characteristic of depression- That's not to say I'm depressed, far from it. But it's one of those little treats left from a time when I did, half my life ago.Telling myself I have no right to the feelings I feel. That I should be thankful for all I have...Even when it feels like everything is falling apart. I apologise for myself when I cry. I need to write it down to make sense of it. to make it real. In my head I just let it all wash away. Because I have no right to it.
I can't write without thinking that in comparison to some people on this tiny planet, I have it fucking sweet.

The ground I exist on has become terribly unsteady. I have pulled up my roots. In choosing to leave, I have lost everything else. I need a new job. I need a place to live. I can't move without having another job first.
I have no where else to escape to.
It's a pain in the ass. More than that...but. fuck it. this is the way it has to go. I feel like I deserve to absorb all the shit that comes with this. It's my internal make-up that has brought this all into existence. I feel I must swallow any pain I feel, as though in the rule book of separation- this is the way it is written.
I'm tired of trying to be kind. It's exhausting. And it doesn't stop the pain. I know every step I take hurts him.
I want to take it all away. I want to rip out everything I feel inside... Encase him in the security of this love he believed in. Let myself fall away into nothing.
I can't sleep. I don't rest. I ache.
We dwell together in this limbo.
this miserable limbo. I feel like a parasite. I want to leave him in peace.
Every thing merely waiting to break.
I know he needs me to go.
I know he hopes that I won't.

But it's a long time since it was a choice, rather than a necessity.

And I'm already gone.

2 comments:

  1. Life is an act of letting go, but surrendering and letting go seems like something we human beings are so not good at accepting, we always reach this state by suffering, but you have to own the pain, don't let the pain own you... <3

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