Monday, 18 August 2014

Clouds / Why On Earth Are You Still Awake Samuel ?

March 2013.
Finally I come to the time I can sleep, but I cannot. After seven days working in a row. Deliriously heating milk too hot...drinking far too much espresso...wishing I was Samuel L Jackson...
Now, tired as fuck I sit half watching Lord of the Rings wondering what the fuck I'll do next with my life. I try not to search too deeply, get too intense. brushing over what still must be brushed over.
How long will I keep doing that? Not dealing with what I guess...I must...eventually. At some point.
Do I? Maybe I can just sweep it away, pretend it never happened. Stop going over every stupid detail.
Forget his face. Forget his voice. Lose it somehow. Lose myself.
I have always been so good. Tried so hard to be everything to everyone that they could need. I wonder what it is I have missed by being this way. Living like a shadow. Pretending that nothing ever hurts. Nothing really matters... When the opposite is only ever the truth.
I'm alone. And it's too comfortable. Too easy to stay like this. Moving undetectably through in this strange cloud of outward silence. I don't want to look- for I do not want to see.
...see, delirious.... Perhaps it's the full moon....

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