Thursday, 19 June 2014

Let's close the curtains, shut the world out for a time.

I had not left the flat for three days. My head spun a little, maybe from the overwhelming rush of fresh air flooding my lungs. Or the sunlight...
This, this is as distant as I can be from the real world at the moment.
Unless I magically transform myself into a meditative master with a snap of my fingers...
I breathe in,...the sweetness of damp leaves. I want to put up a tent and stay here...
In Greenwich Park, with the squirrels...

Change. An overwhelming need for it suddenly crashes through me. All the procrastination...
The unhealthy stagnancy...the fucking annoying ignorance at an ache that just won't go away...
I've become so preoccupied with saving or fixing other people, or things...
Telling myself somehow, it is because I am selfless, when in fact it is just because
I don't know quite what to do to move myself. The answers I don't have...
There are answers I don't have?!...

I stumble over the things, that used to cripple me. Remembering the time when it was
fresh. When I couldn't quite believe there would come a time when it would leave me.
Not wake from nightmares. Not cower at every normal argument in fear that it would end in danger.
A time when I lost myself so completely, I couldn't even believe I had ever really existed.
Or that I should once more.
How far I have come, I must remind myself.
How far away from that time I am.





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