This trend, for living in a way that suggests you do not feel "too much"...Just enough to let everyone know you are doing just fine, that your life is "awesome"... That everything is exciting and underwhelming all at once. Never admitting to being completely consumed by a thing, a person, a flock of birds...a fucking flower...The way a man stands looking so content with his eyes closed beneath the sun as he steps out from his office at the end of the day.... just standing, briefcase in hand. The light and calm smoothing his wrinkled face, turning him into a boy. His peace fed my peace. Little drops of joy filtering through the air, in all it's beautiful simplicity. All consuming.
Everyone seems to want, want everything with no patience. People meet, and the expection seems to be that something must be wrong with you if you do not wish to give up your body without first wanting to establish their interest in your soul. It is all skin, but no bones. And of no fucking interest to me.
I want guts, I want the fleshy beautiful awkward ugliness we all carry within us. I do not wish to make idle chat, unless there is some other substance. My nonsense if more precious to me than my honesty...I'd rather my silence and solitude. Loneliness lives more in the empty exchanges; the encounters that you do not wish to admit mean more than you feel safe to say. Because,...what is this game? this game of who can appear to care the least?
Swallowing up exciting emotions, and reading between every line of a simple text to decipher hidden meanings...To decide what it is you should say next, how much of yourself it is safe to give. How much the other person wants.
Peace, I see where it exists. The things that obstruct it, they are what should be simple. What can be simple. Honesty. my obsession with it has somehow freed me. I seek it out, I register the tiny lies that people tell and wonder if they realise how amusing it is that they cannot just tell the truth. Questioning why things appear more complex than they need be, because they must remember all their little tales at every turn.
Promises should be meant, words should be said not simply to be beautiful...or to make someone drop their guard (or indeed their pants) so you can ravage them. Cruelty is cruelty no matter how pretty it sounds or appears. No, no...this trend for being less. feeling less, being so laid back even about important things...it can fuck right off, I will have nothing to do with it. I would rather be awkward, rather be "intense" rather be so overly sensitive that I sniffle a little at the smallest suggestion of pure emotion. We are all inter-connected, I will put my heart into everything I do. Feed love through the cracks. Because it is limitless, and everyone needs it.