Sunday, 2 November 2014

And Now, You Are Found.

I listen. Ben Howard haunts my ears with his shades of blue. I wonder should I stop him.
But I let him keep on. Reminding me of what is gone. Conversing in my head with the ghost of us, as to why it can only stay gone. About how I am trying to let you let me go.
Even though it aches. Even though I long for what we once were.
The vividness of our memories if I allow them,...swoop in. Do not cut at me like knives, there is only grief. My heart feels such a pain, that I can only shut you out. Because no amount of tears can bring it back. The way I used to feel. It seeped out over time, and it was not your fault but mine.
The faults in me.
We lost it baby. And I know. I know the hurt I left you with.
These walls I build. I work to dismantle even as I feel myself placing down the bricks.
But being alone...is peaceful, and safe. I cannot lose anything if I never have it.
And I cannot cause pain if I never belong anywhere.
It's a childish notion born long ago. To unlearn it...I work...I dig into my soul.
And it hurts. But...
I do not believe anything is impossible.
Or at least that's what I tell myself.
I know that you look for my words.
I wish I could be what you need me to be.
But I have at long last learnt,
the only person I can save is myself.
And I'm trying.

 

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